'til we have faces

hammer

2011-04-13T17:49:00.000-04:00

heard what they say about loving and losing, but
tastes like whiskey on it's way back up to me
and once your lips are wet from kisses or drink you never get rid of the thirst

searched so hard for excuses but i'll keep my lips sealed next time
truth is that i'm just too afraid to touch
hearts glass and questions that i couldn't ask

and true love it swings like a hammer
back and forth til it kills all your dreams
but they never were that great to begin with
and it drives you back home again

my hands are dangerous things callous and strong
they hold on way too long but can't get a grip on my tongue
when all the dumb words that i've got up and run away

if losing is better than never ever loving at all
then this much is true when i ran from you i really earned that fall
but even strong hands can't pick themselves up off the floor

and true love it swings like a hammer
back and forth til it kills all your dreams
but they never were that great to begin with
and it drives you back home again

mm-cc

2011-04-02T20:40:00.000-04:00

sample work from mm-cc, a community creation project i do stuff with. more info, samples, and etc at mm-cc.org

run red

2011-03-23T16:56:00.000-04:00

my teeth run red from indefinitely being set on edge
stained with sunday blood and scarred from biting my tongue
to keep from telling myself what i already know
and to know that no matter what i say
no matter how loud i can sing i can't compete
with the ringing inside your head

so if that's the case i'm sorry dear
but i refuse to use my indoor voice any longer
until the blood drains from my skin
and i'm blue in the face from all the
shaking yelling never understanding boundaries
of time or grace or reasonable amounts of patience

when you've got the whole world in your hands
and i've got no feeling in my fingertips
gone numb from trying to reach across
the distance between whatever it is
suffocating that little light inside of you
and where i used to stand and wait

so if there's a break in your ringing
and my shaking stops or my singing makes it across
remember i meant it
every word

trade my love

2011-03-21T17:59:00.000-04:00

as dust on the scales as grass of the field
so are our days with the serpent on our heels
the reed is bruised the sky is cracked
you wear your pain as a veil of black

proverbs of ashes smear you with lies
the one who changed your name has touched your side.
fortune and favor you have not known
what is the vine, you have not grown?

i will not sing songs when you're heavy
i will not speak words to make it clear
i will stay with you and all that you carry
i would trade my love for all your fears.

if i speak or refrain you may not be changed
for your deliverance your days are arranged
to the roots of the mountains you sink down
hurled into the deep, spit onto the ground

severe mercy is your one great hope
it is well, it will be well with your soul

i will not sing songs
i will not speak words
i will stay with you and all that you carry,
i will trade my love... for all your fears

beat your own heart

2011-02-27T12:20:00.001-05:00

you learn, my god do you learn!
from this the most brutal of teachers
that all of our backs are bent
from the weight of all our affections
spilled and spent just to fill our burdens
with all these little lies that
never did any harm until we began to believe

and ain't it heavy
to hold up your own head

so put your hand to the plow
and score your crooked rows into the earth
crack apart the stony ground
'til bone and sinew stretch and ache at
every expectation frustrated
and every weed choked seed that you have sown
fills you up with failure

and ain't it hard
to beat your own heart

so stand,
stand and face the sun
til it burns your blistered skin
and breaks away your burden
wreck, wreck your wretched heart
wreck all apart your broken heart
stand straight and face the sun again

then broken bodies groan, and graves
split open when breath breathed into ashes
breaks all the slumbering children
free from death and dust
and seeds sown sprout and
stretch their fragile limbs in praise
burdens break and roll away
like stones from tombs at break of day!

and ain't it something
to die to live

and ain't it something
how you were never alive until you began to die

spring- one.

2011-02-24T23:26:00.001-05:00

i can smell the japanese magnolia flowers from here
but i cannot see you

oh how i love you

you are goliath and i
i only have these small stones
i looked in the water
and there were many stones
large and strong ones
that could surely bring you down to me
but i could not carry them back to you
because i am small and you
you are far away
and they would have driven me into the ground

so i chose the small stones
because they were worn down and small like me
so i knew they would fly true to you
and i could carry them

the japanese magnolia blossoms have fallen
they became too beautiful for their branches to bear
the weight of their own sweetness made them fall
so they are replaced
by the softer shoots of spring leaves
that stay tied to twigs because
they are too fragile to let go

and you, and i, and goliath, and these stones
are felled and made true
because we are weak
replaced by something that can bear us

i cannot smell the japanese magnolias anymore
but i can see you

oh how i love you

35mm at 800asa

2011-02-23T17:11:00.001-05:00

some photographs. been shooting a lot of 800 speed film in my canon ae-1.

darling

2010-10-28T13:33:00.001-04:00

a spoonful of sugar will make your heart race
and just as much hope will break it
because before we knew we wandered bare through the garden
but now we've tasted and we know, and hope there's more than hope

what once was sweetness on our tongues now tastes tart
with the salt and bitterness and tears spent
on sounds not made for whispering but for moving hard past lips
that burn from backfiring words

made happy and then sad
made malleable like seeds and bread
first tossed out and left to die in shallow rows of dirt
then sprout, reborn watered and grown just to be cut down
and ground into dust
pressed thin to be cut again into usable shapes
only to be thrown into the fire!
but you'll rise again
all the little dreams we used to fight to keep
and sleep lost dreaming we would wake up different
only to hear him say 'i don't want the things you're doing
darling i want you-

and i'd take your dreams but they're much too small you see
when i said i wanted you to be like me i also said i love you.
dear i'd dry your eyes but when they blur with tears it's just a reminder
you once were blind but now you see

but you'll rise again
damn right you'll rise again
you'll rise again
damn right you'll rise again

thirty five at four hundred

2010-08-17T21:33:00.002-04:00

some new film shots from my trusty canon ae-1. as much as i have loved my pro digital camera's this is still my first and best camera.

recent works

2010-07-20T21:15:00.003-04:00

hand drawn flyer for friends of folk IV in tallahassee, flyer for the rusted chain bike collective in orlando, photoshoot with VERA at hard rock live in orlando.

repeat repeat

2010-06-28T15:32:00.002-04:00

you might forget the lyrics, dear
but you still know the song
still you reserve the singing for
those who know it best, yet
you hunger and thirst
to hear it like the rest

all your golden fancies, and
all your fancy dreams
have made you deaf to
too wonderful a song it seems
to satisfy your longings
when nothing else will do

so repeat repeat!
each time that much more wonderfully sweet
and when you sing the song
it's still the same old story
of how i long to love you

and how i've loved you for so long

cigar box guitar.

2010-03-30T23:11:00.004-04:00

today jared and i made an electric cigar box guitar. it looks good and sounds pretty good. there's a bit more work to be done to make it easier to play but it was cool to make an entire instrument. i'll post some pictures and audio samples soon when we finish it up.

voigtlander camera

2010-03-27T19:08:00.002-04:00

from my tumblr: http://donttellmymom.tumblr.com/

kimball piano

2009-08-31T11:47:00.006-04:00

yesterday jared and i found a few free piano's on craigslist. there were two we really wanted, one was exactly the same as the one i grew up with in my house, the other a beautiful console. sadly, no one answered the phone when we called about those.

regardless, we drove across town with a new pack of tie-down straps (a toll designed almost entirely to make you angry, those things are a pain to use) and picked up a piano. it's a kimball made in chicago sometime in the 1930's.

it was in decent shape, although very dirty and out of tune. we spent most of the evening trying to figure out how to get it OUT of my truck and then taking it apart and cleaning it. there are a lot of parts on the inside of these things. here are some pictures of the process.

'the only manufacturer thus honored' is a pretty lofty claim.

tons of dirt and grim on, between, and under the keys. we took each key out, brushed them, cleaned the ivory and wood, cleaned the pegs, and vac'd all the dust and dirt out from underneath.

i think someone spilled an entire pot of coffee inside this guy.

every key. luckily each one was numbered, so getting them back in correctly was not quite as difficult.

mostly finished product.

a few keys still stick in the higher octaves and it is desperately out of tune, although in tune with itself at least. but all in all, not bad for the cost of a pack of tie down straps and a 30 mile drive. everything is functional and with some tuning i think it will sound really nice.

poster work.

2009-08-22T12:27:00.006-04:00

just thought i would upload a poster that i finished making today for an art show in gainseville. i'm really happy with it, about 3 days of work and revisions. the original was flashier and had a lit more going on, but a few font changes and color palate revisions later, i ended up with a more minimal modern style that i really like.

if you're going to be in gainseville you should go check out the exhibit, i've seen the photographs and they are really amazing.

full-size version of the poster can be seen here if you're interested.

four-oh-seven

2009-08-19T12:31:00.005-04:00

orlando.

i'm here.

i spent the first week alone at the house. i'm staying with my friends jared and megan until it's clsoe to the time their baby is due. the first week was strange because i neither left the house or spoke to anyone for about 8 days. i spent a lot of time sorting through my things... i got rid of a lot of stuff when i moved but wanted to trim down even more. aside from that it was mostly playing the piano and watching scrubs dvd's on my laptop... no internet or tv here.

i've been out a number of time applying for jobs, apparently orlando is 42 on the list of 50 worst metro cities to try and get a job in. there are 6 unemployed people to every 1 job opening. after two months trying to find work in orlando while i was living in tallahassee and one from orlando, it finally paid off. i got hired at gap after one interview. working at the mall / in retail isn't my first choice, but it's a job and they were very nice at the store. apparently they usually look over applicants for about a week after interviews, but they called me before i was out of the parking lot to offer me a job.

i have one other interview in the works for a company called district lines that makes t-shirts, websites, and merchandise primarily for bands. they do a lot of screen printing and web design and i know one of the owners, so i am hoping that will work out as well.

other than that just more music practice as usual. i'm making a lot of progress with the guitar and working back at being able to play the piano well. next thursday i head back up to tallahassee with jared to play a show at the engine room with a band from orlando, the winter sounds which should be a great show. if you're around please come out and see us play! we've recorded some new stuff and will have that on our myspace soon.

-h

live performance

2009-07-20T11:12:00.003-04:00

my band will be playing live on V89 tonight at 10pm EST.

tune in if you are local to tallahassee, if not you can stream the show from:
http://voice.wvfs.fsu.edu:8000/stream.m3u

no response.

2009-07-18T19:34:00.004-04:00

trying to get a job is really awful.

i applied for about 35 different positions in or around orlando last week. i've heard back from 3 places, one of which just wanted me to but a timeshare (i don't know about the rest of america, but normally when i am out of money/jobs i don't buy real estate). there are some great opportunities in orlando- for music, for education, and especially for community- but the basics are not falling into place. not for lack of trying. which is the frustrating part.

i've had an excessive amount of time to write new music, which is going well, but i think the frustrations of trying to get a job and move are wearing me out. some days things go well and it's exciting, other days i wonder why i have invested so much effort and money into it.

i don't anticipate making any money off music, i just want to be able to play and record and have things sound the way they ought to. i'd like for the songs i write to impact other people the way my favorite songs effect me.

[photo by whitney brammer]

sell-out.

2009-07-11T11:05:00.005-04:00

i did it. and i'm glad i did.
http://twitter.com/hunterpittman

aside from doing that, i am searching had for a job in orlando. nothing really at this point but there are a few opportunities i'm interested in and i plan on being annoyingly persistent until one of them works out.

a lot of music going on. i finally have a dedicated practice space so i can play anytime, leave everything set up and not have to worry about it getting moldy, submerged, overheated, or stolen. this is a nice change.

i was able to trade in a giant fancy electronic keyboard i had for a rhodes, a vintage piano that i have been trying to find for three years or so. it sounds and play very nicely. i like playing the piano... so having one of my own is neat.

it looks like this. it's an actual piano, with hammer's and dampers, but instead of hitting strings it hits a special tuning fork inside. it makes a little noise on it's own, but is designed to be plugged in to something to make it louder.

so now i'll be spending a lot of time in my storage unti locked away making pretty music. its been a long road convincing jared that we should make pretty music (as opposed to spastic or creepy) but i think we're well on our way.

i'm excited to see what happens with orlando. lots of possibilities, i just need some of them to work out. our style of music will be fairly unique in orlando with so that should also be interesting to see how it turns out.

i may or may not get around to posting family pictures from our family "staycation." lets be realistic here. i don't post so very often. also there are a million pictures on my mom's blog so they can be seen there just as easily

secret of the easy yoke...

2009-06-01T11:44:00.005-04:00

i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

2009-01-27T20:28:00.001-05:00

what do all these buildings mean?
each brick
each wall
they all stand for something.
am i standing up for nothing?
these structures stand solemn
while i sleep on the shore of this lake
with soil in my shoes and
despair
impairing my ability to breathe
turns out sunsets aren't enough
sometimes it seems
there's just a few words between
king of the hill
and
easy kill
sometimes you end
up
facedown
in the sand
or take a chance to find out
if you hold fingers in a hand
or lack of a plan
something worth the risk
or convenience store romance
i've been wrong so many times that it's hard to believe
blinded by this bitter heart
over the water
heavy over my head
now hear this
don't you care that i'm dying?
please separate your head from the pillow
can you hear
over my storming
save me.

music.

2008-12-26T16:51:00.004-05:00

i've been writing, playing, recording, and producing music in my basement the last few days.
isn't that what everyone does over the holidays?

check out some of the songs on cameron foltz' myspace page. the majority of these were recorded in my basement, and the first two ("friends" and "smells like a rose") are great. we recorded and mixed all this on christmas eve and christmas. i played some glockenspiel on "smells like a rose" and jared smith played drums on both tracks. cameron wrote, sang, and played guitar on each of the tracks.

then we spent roughly 23407 hours mixing remixing leveling compressing fading looping reverbing gating eqing and remixing it all.

i think they're quite nice.
check it out: http://www.myspace.com/cameronfoltz

oh! brother.

2008-12-22T13:27:00.006-05:00

my reflection in a teapot
wrapped and warped and wider than it should be
his reflection in the rearview eyes set towards dc
and he's moved before but each time i miss him more

little light bulbs reflected through tiny glass beads
there's a little of this light reflected in you and me
when we grew up drifting apart
when the further you moved the more you occupy my heart

there's smoke in the air there's carpet on these chairs
a hookah hose snakes between my toes that point towards capitol hill
exhaust pipe drops hot condensation on the turnpike
tires turn your face to your destination

lungs fill and exhale in lonely exasperation
to say 'what moves you to move away?
what couldn't you find here, what stinging in your ears?'
playing phone tag with opportunity, but she never called me back

i'll see you for the holidays
i'll see you later

one of these days we'll all stop moving away
one of these day's we won't say goodbye, we won't need to cry
but not out of refusal to stain our faces,
oh brother, we won't have to cry
and we won't be reflections, we won't look in mirrors, cause' we'll all face the same way
higher than the washington monument, above all our tears and fearful impoverishment
oh brother, we won't have to cry- oh brother, we won't have to cry
oh brother, we won't have to cry
oh brother, oh brother, we won't have to cry

----

for my two brothers who moved away this year

you've gotta make your own kind of music

2008-12-09T09:28:00.003-05:00

finger piano. found., originally uploaded by mrpittman.

well first off, i wake every morning these days to my roomate's cell phone playing 'make your own kinda music' by the mama's and the papa's. not a bad way to wake up.

that may be the most apostrophe's i have ever used in a sentence.

aside from that, i have been making a lot of music and will hopefully be taking some time to record as much as possible end of this month, then i can put it up for any willing ears to hear.

i also found this tiny piano.

so little - milosz.

2008-11-20T13:11:00.006-05:00

up against., originally uploaded by mrpittman.

i said so little.
days were short.

short days.
short nights.
short years.
i said so little.
i couldn't keep up.

my heart grew weary
from joy,
despair,
ardor,
hope.

the jaws of leviathan
were closing upon me.
naked, i lay on the shores
of desert islands.
the white whale of the world
hauled me down to its pit.

and now I don't know
what in all that was real.

winter.

2008-11-10T19:42:00.004-05:00

roadtrip. niagara falls, originally uploaded by mrpittman.

don't your heart beat for a car crash, for a summer storm?
don't these winters fill you with stockholm summer syndrome?

Nov. 4th, 2008.

2008-11-06T01:21:00.000-05:00

2008-10-22T12:28:00.001-04:00

writing in color.

2008-10-11T18:29:00.004-04:00

i've been writing in color.

there are a couple of old folks standing on the side of the highway crying.
surrounded by long cars, blue hearts, and black clothes, they hold onto each other with a desperation of being so anchored to one another they would surely be cast off the spinning world if they let go. in avoidance of careening into lonely, suffocating space, they have dashed themselves each upon the rock that is the other.

/-/

the streetlight outside my hosue won't stay on. or off. it flares to yellow life, ignites white, then dies a cool blue death every thirty seconds.
perhaps it is my heart; imprisoned in an indecisive incandescent glass case. raised so high on my sleeve that it illuminates my footsteps.

tree. i10.

2008-09-02T09:37:00.001-04:00

tree. i10., originally uploaded by mrpittman.

i have driven by this tree so many times and always thought i should stop and look at it.
it took maybe seven years to get around to it but i did it. it's a nice tree.

will and liz. group.

2008-08-20T22:44:00.001-04:00

will and liz. group., originally uploaded by mrpittman.

will got married.

break a leg

2008-08-13T18:31:00.003-04:00

how it tears me apart to think you might not finish what you started
might not make her feel your earth shake beneath her feet
make her brush move in strokes that she can't speak
her blue eyes are just to small if she won't let you open them to the enormity of us all
to see how ugly she would be if she's all alone
or how she could define beauty if you looked like you

don't let her take another step on steady legs, step in her direction
she's not going to stop until she feels the pain of your affection
oh Jesus break a leg, break a leg
if that's what it takes to rescue her
cause i hope she can't walk without your shoulder beneath her

everyone's going out with girls with short hair, she cut hers and i said i didn't care
but i hope it grows back pretty as before
i hope she comes out hopeful as a newborn
seven thousand miles isn't so far as the differences in who we are
drew her a leaf, drew her a baobab flower
cause we're so prone to wander, so afraid to embrace our reckless mutual lover

open wider wild kaleidoscope eyes, prone to wander, prone to dream alone
see how his love pursues you, how he loves you more than the ninety-nine on steady legs

oh Jesus break a leg, break a leg
don't let her take another step on steady legs, step in her direction
she's not going to stop until she feels the pain of your affection
oh Jesus break a leg, break a leg,
if that's what it takes
cause i hope she can't walk without your shoulder beneath her

moving times.

2008-08-07T14:01:00.004-04:00

i've been moving a lot.

but i am finally in a permanent home. i live in a large white house at the corner of 5th ave. and Bronough St. there is a basement full of creepy left behind objects and a backyard that disappears out of sight in every direction.
there are boxes and bicycles in every room. there is a lot of work to be done. but soon, our little community will be off the ground and the backyard will disappear into gardens of herbs and vegetables and little outdoor tables.

soon i'll post pictures.

this is not my house.

three years.

2008-08-01T12:20:00.002-04:00

2005.

2008.

still here...

2008-07-28T16:00:00.000-04:00

i'm currently homeless and real busy, hence the lack of updates.

for now, you should check out my mom's blog. i just updated it with a new layout so if you love donuts, my family, or moms, you'll probably be thrilled to see it.
-h

scared to touch.

2008-06-27T18:43:00.004-04:00

texture study 2, originally uploaded by mrpittman.

and i'll be the first to cross every line you've drawn
last to admit that i've done anything wrong
scared to move because i always hit something
i hit walls, hit the roof, hit the blank spots in my head
but all the stupid things i have to say
they all skip town when you come around

i'll keep my mouth shut because i don't want to spook you
and i'll keep my heart shut because i'm searching for excuses
like 'i've been hurt before' and 'everything i touch just falls apart
when the truth is i'm just scared to touch
porcelain, glass, and questions i could never ask

the great dance.

2008-06-16T11:20:00.004-04:00

ballet recital., originally uploaded by mrpittman.

...He thought he saw the Great Dance. It seemed to be woven out of the intertwining undulation of many cords or bands of light, leaping over and under one another and mutually embraced in arabesques and flower-like subtleties. Each figure as he looked at it became the master-figure or focus of the whole spectacle, by means of which his eye disentangled all else and brought it into unity--only to be itself entangled when he looked to what he had taken for mere marginal decorations and found that there also the same hegemony was claimed, and the claim made good, yet the former pattern thereby disposed but finding in its new subordination a significance greater than that which it had abdicated.
...wherever the ribbons or serpents of light intersected minute corpuscles of momentary brightness: and he knew somehow that these particles were the secular generalities of which history tells--people, institutions, climates of opinion, civilizations, arts, sciences and the like--ephemeral coruscations that piped their short song and vanished. The ribbons or cords themselves, in which millions of corpuscles lived and died, were the things of some different kind. At first he could not say what. But he knew in the end that most of them were individual entities.
If so, the time in which the Great Dance proceeds is very unlike time as we know it. Some of the thinner more delicate cords were the beings that we call short lived: flowers and insects, a fruit or a storm of rain, and once (he thought) a wave of the sea. Others were such things we think lasting: crystals, rivers, mountains, or even stars.
Far above these in girth and luminosity and flashing with colours form beyond our spectrum were the lines of personal beings, yet as different from one another in splendour as all of them from the previous class. But not all the cords were individuals: some of them were universal truths or universal qualities. It did not surprise him then to find that these and the persons were both cords and both stood together as against the mere atoms of generality which lived and died in the clashing of their streams...
The whole figure of thier enamored and inter–inanimate circling was suddenly revealed as the mere superficies of a far vaster pattern in four dimensions, and that figure as the boundary of yet others in other worlds: till suddenly as the movement grew yet swifter, the interweaving yet more ecstatic, the relevance of all to all yet more intense, as dimension was added to dimension and that part of him which could reason and remember was dropped further and further behind that part of him which saw, even then, at the very zenith of complexity, complexity was eaten up and faded, as a thin white cloud fades into the hard blue burning of sky, and all simplicity beyond all comprehension, ancient and young as spring, illimitable, pellucid, drew him with cords of infinite desire into it’s own stillness.
He went up into such a quietness, a privacy, and a freshness that at the very moment when he stood farthest from our ordinary mode of being he had the sense of striping off encumbrances and awaking from a trance, and coming to himself.

placation.

2008-05-27T10:34:00.004-04:00

couch. blue-ish., originally uploaded by mrpittman.

Why are people content to live in this beautiful world with everything still
wrapped in cellophane?

i will update. soon.

waldo. katie.

2008-05-15T01:42:00.001-04:00

waldo. katie. (UPDATED), originally uploaded by mrpittman.

just a picture. while i think of things to write.

2008-04-17T01:32:00.003-04:00

were i some sleeping adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to council your steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love- that i stepped up my aim and became a man. though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in doing so, revealing Him.

2008-04-17T01:18:00.003-04:00

wake up new york
we'll drive five thousand awkward miles
we'll drive until we find your smile

east coast on parade
it's pretty out the window
but beauty in the passenger seat

i came knocking at your door
came throwing rocks at your window
i come kicking down the door now
i come with your smile

sleep tight savannah
wake up more beautiful
always more beautiful

2.
picture of us
far away form home
you shoulder's on mine
but your heads the other way
its a perfect picture
of the way you stand today

so don't sing
because it breaks my heart
to hear your voice
if your not singing about me
and dont pose for my photographs
if you're going to look at him tonight
don't drive me across the country
if you left my heart in tallahassee

we've seen the whole east coast
but the only thing worth packing for
is the thing that hurts me most
i'd rather have you breaking my heart
than have it wholly to myself

as the ruin falls - clive staples lewis

2008-04-04T00:42:00.007-04:00

all this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
i never had a selfless thought
since i was born.
i am a mercenary
and self-seeking through and through:
i want God, you, all friends,
merely to serve my turn-
peace, re-assurance, pleasure,
are the goals i seek,
i cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
i talk of love
-a scholar's parrot may talk greek-
but, self-imprisoned,
always end where i begin.
only that now you have taught me
my lack.
i see the chasm.
and everything you are was making my heart into a bridge
which i might get back from exile, and grow man.
and now the bridge is breaking
for this i bless you as the ruin falls.
the pains you give me are more precious than all other gains.

savannah & bikes

2008-03-16T23:55:00.003-04:00

savannah & bikes, originally uploaded by mrpittman.

i'm back from jacksonville, savannah, maggie valley, new york, niagara, ontario, new york, agusta, portland, new york, and savannah.

i don't have any desire to go to new york ever again really. i didn't want to go there in the first place.

savannah wins first city i've stayed in that had no electricity at all
savannah also wins best city ever
new jersey wins worst city that i didn't even stay in
niagara wins the 'why would anyone live here' award
maggie valley wins the most comfy medal of honor

the other cities were good too. i have hundreds of pictures and a stack of polaroids that i will put someplace for people to see... stories from the trip might filter in over a while if i ever write a real update. i was disappointed to have to miss dan and bethany's wedding, really really, but as important as it was there were other priorities.

i.love.this.picture.

2008-03-08T15:14:00.003-05:00

zulu and molly, originally uploaded by mrpittman.

i'm leaving in a few hours on a photography road trip that will take me all the way up 95... jacksonville, savannah, richmond (?), new york, boston, portland... i've packed four cameras, three tripods, and too many filters and assorted parts to even begin to remember.

this may be the best thing i have done with my life ever.

here.

2008-02-28T02:04:00.000-05:00

here i built fortress in the woods to escape from being there
here i learned to love cigarettes and rebellion
here i escaped into my self-pity and fear
here i cried and laughed alone

here the shooting stars meant that you loved me
here nothing had to make sense
here the memories were palpable and unbearable
here i never wanted to leave to go back to my room

here, where the azalea bushes srpang and memories of innocence went to rot
here, where the watching windows could not see me
here, where the cinder block headstones held up the weight
here, where the world stepped off my shoulder

here, here alone i feel at home

(now with 20% more links!)

2008-02-15T11:04:00.005-05:00

super 2008 valentines day playlist

watch your mouth - derek webb / sandra mccracken (i hardly ever say to you, the thing I really mean)
what you want - derek webb (greatest song on the face of the earth.)
the nicest thing - kate nash (i wish you couldn't figure me out, but you'd always want to know what i was about)
october - rosie thomas (some days when she is slightly down, tell her it’s okay to frown- it makes you just fall more in love with her)
no one's gonna love you - band of horses
i wish that i could see you soon - herman dune (and i'm like... the sooner the better)
to make you feel my love - bob dylan / derek webb and sandra mccracken
trade my love - sandra mccracken (i would trade my love, for all your fears)
springtime indiana - sandra mccracken (never been good with my thoughts, even worse with my words, but you read like familiar poetry that i have never heard)
brightest - copeland
one who knows - dar williams
he stopped loving her today - johnny cash (buy it on itunes. not the other guy's version)
wanted - andrew osenga (download the free EP)
i want you (she's so heavy) - the beatles
miserable at best - mayday parade
perhaps she'll wait - bebo norman (fumbled them around until they fell, much safer ground- just keeping to myself)
there cannot be a close second - copeland (so forgive me, cause i don't know what to do, when you look at me)
brothers on a hotel bed - death cab for cutie (the whole albums Plans should be on here)
oh, it is love - hellogoodbye
such great heights - iron and win
polaris - jimmy eat world (i look at you and know, the world was beautiful)
hanging on for hope - the new amsterdams (her smile will make you weak, and proud)
we are not as strong as we think we are - rich mullins (they say that one day joshua made the sun stand still in the sky, but I can't even keep these thoughts of you from passing by)
mixtapes/cellmates - rocky votolato
all my life - rosie thomas
just to see you smile - tim mcgraw

jolly jo is a harsh mistress

2008-01-29T18:24:00.001-05:00

jolly jo's child care is down the street from my house. it lists over on a hill in midtown, servicing the low end of the income scale, people who need to leave their kids somewhere while they shuffle carts at publix. there is a pair of plastic "f-14 tomcat" bouncy seats in the yard, allowing the children to indulge in fantasies of shooting down early 90's iranian jets during the gulf war. there is also a punching bag. i have never seen any children there, but i imagine there are a number of very tough pre-schoolers that spend their days 'going to the mattresses' and sitting in the plastic jets making explosion sounds with their mouths as they fight to maintain america's interests in the middle east.

before the sun faded the paint on the playground equipment, before we all grew up, children played there while i made my own playdough at a church that saw 8,000 people on most sundays. this church has indoor playground equipment and an arsenal of slip-n-slides that were rolled out once a month to allow the middle class baptist kids of florida to enjoy themselves amidst the cacophony of bruised knees and hose water.

i think the kids is midtown needed the punching bags more than they needed air conditioning and regularly maintained play equipment. while i was listening to threats of "we can call your father" these kids were getting a head start education in the heartache of being alive. they took out their frustration on a punching bag, i ate my own playdough. and while no one ever hit me and i saw my father on a regular basis, they knew far more about life than i did. at that point i probably could not have handled the knowledge they were acquiring, but it makes me wonder exactly how much you can shelter a child before you start to harm him.

always maybe

2008-01-23T16:27:00.001-05:00

said that girl is gonna ruin you
and i only hoped you would
now i guess i'm spoiled
looking for a colorful girl
in a black and white world
what about that other girl
she's pretty when she's wasted
and tonight she's pretty wasted
but she's back in the hallway
making out with strangers

maybe everything said was a lie
or maybe only when i said goodbye
so baby jump the gun
baby jump the gun

and sitting in your shadow
was warmer than the sunrise
but when you couldn't take me anymore
my heart set on the water
and it hasn't come back up
maybe everything you was a lie
or maybe only when i said goodbye
so baby jump the gun
baby jump the gun

The Peace of Wild Things

2008-01-11T10:33:00.002-05:00

dock HDR, originally uploaded by mrpittman.

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
--Wendell Berry

letters to inanimate objects

2007-12-31T16:06:00.000-05:00

dear 2007,
you win.
--hunter

dear 2008,
i am going to kick your ass.
--hunter

old film

2007-12-20T14:08:00.002-05:00

backwoods ballet,

i finally got around to developing and scanning some film from my favorite little film camera. i carry it around with me all the time just in case so it's always fun to develop the film and see what i took pictures of.

these are from behind my old house... molly wanted some pictures in her ballet dress and i thought it would be interesting to take them someplace that looked fairly decrepit. you can see a bigger version if you follow the link(s)

paper cup

2007-12-14T12:25:00.002-05:00

all my life i have been sitting here, heart in my throat, eyes open, waiting for the return of innocence and the arrival of love.

and love passed by. i felt its grace by my side and its head on my shoulder. i found that it would not fill me. i am just a little paper cup filled with all the wrong things and burst at the seams, unable to be full of anything.

but i have tasted its flavor and watched in horror as it ran through me, searching for something to take hold of, but finding only tears in the seams.

all my life i will be sitting here, heart in my throat, eyes open, waiting to return to innocence and for the return of love.

pinwheel

2007-12-13T22:54:00.001-05:00

all my life i have been sitting here, hands shaking, legs pacing, mind spinning-- waiting for the advent of hope and the courage to open my eyes.

i am just a pinwheel. twirling frantically and lopsided, all flashes of color and illusions of motion. always in motion but never arriving, toes dug into the ground.

and i saw hope but it spun me around. comfort came on the wind and filled my paper sails, fleeting, deceptive, turning me upside down. upside down, praying to be righted but not knowing which way to turn with eyes closed.

don't leave me sitting here all my life, mind spinning, legs pacing, hands shaking... waiting for the advent hope and mustering up the courage to open my eyes.

receipt

2007-12-10T15:21:00.002-05:00

all my life i have been sitting here, pretending that i am strong, keeping my chin up, buckling under the weight of my own uncertainty.

i am light in spite of the crushing uncertainty, it is not enough to anchor me. i am just a discarded receipt tossed around in the wind. a faded slip of paper, telling stories of once being valuable, once being attached to a name. now spent and useless,
littering the ground, i am crumpled and dreaming of the days before i was only a remnant of a transaction between two people.

all my life, sitting here. all my life with my chin up and my heart buckling... pretending.

2007-11-27T11:25:00.001-05:00

you've heard what they say about loving and losing
but it tastes like whiskey and pills coming back up
i've never felt like less of a man
nothing in my stomach but a fifth
nothing in my blood but expired narcotics
so this is how jesus must feel
when i love him as much as she loves me

the last time i saw my granddad we were flying.

2007-11-26T11:46:00.001-05:00

i hope he had a glass of lakeridge winery sunblush the night he died. i hope he had several glasses and didn't feel alone and scared when his heart failed as he slept on the couch last night. he talked about lakeridge winery like it was the promised land. i never tasted the sunblush but i hear it is very nice. one night when i was at his house after i was old enough to drink (legally), he asked me to choose a wine to drink and i picked the sunblush. he went into the kitchen to pour some for each of us and came back 10 minutes later with two glasses of white wine. i didn't care for it, but i pretended that it was awesome because i could see how much he wanted me to enjoy it. and so we sat in his office, decorated with fragments of computers and rally race trophies and discussed regrets and futures.

my grandad lived his life. sometimes he seemed self-indulgent, sometimes he seemed like one of those men who never grew out of thier fascination with cars and gadgets... i can't deny that he did spend a lot of money on himself. but it wasn't about indulging himself, it was about enjoying things. his enjoyment was all the greater when he could share in it with other people. he truly loved to give things to me. we loved to struggle with out cameras and tripods as we trapsed around central florida in search of the next adventure, not really caring if that was breakfast at nana's, lunch at palace pizza, dinner at the terrace, of flying over florida in an open cockpit bi-plane.

last time i was with him he booked us a 15 minute flight in a reconstructed bi-plane. we put on snoopy caps and aviator goggles, signed our lives away, and climbed in. the pilot was a tall man whose confidence floated back to the passengers as he taxied down the runway and into the sky. we circled lakes and million dollar homes, getting lessons in aerodynamics and perspective as we skimmed over the tiny interstate. we left the world for 15 minutes, we detached oursleves from gas prices and worry. i think that how we felt during that brief stint in the air is how he probably feels now. i don't think he has regrets. my grandad failed many, many times. he struggled with wine and women, with temper, and with pride. sometimes he was not a very good father to my mother or husband to my grandmother. i envy him. he has the only thing i want, he is with jesus. the glimmering gates have swung wide and he is innocent again. his pride and ex-wives are gone, his sin is gone, his pain is gone, but his jesus is still there.

father's day card (late)

2007-11-25T17:25:00.001-05:00

when i was 8 you nailed my bike to the wall of the utility room. you were angry because you tried to teach me how to ride and i fell. i didn't care at all about being able to ride a two-wheeler. beneath the skinned knees and the skid marks, i cared about being able to learn from you, to do something you wanted me to do. i wasn't able to, i fell and i fell and i fell. fell onto the asphalt and you nailed my little black bicycle to the wall. and with it you crucified my heart. four years later i got a new bike and i learned to ride it the same day, my brother taught me. and even though the little black bike had long been taken down off the wall, my heart was still there. maybe when we moved away from that house it stayed behind, i don't really know. we got a new house but i still didn't have a home, because home is where the heart is. i don't know where home is, i don't know where my heart is, perhaps you still have it.
i think i've lost you. or did you lose me? no one has ever loved me as much as you have loved me. and no one has ever hurt me really, except you, because i love you. no one has broken my heart, made me feel as mean and callous and indebted as you. i don't know what i owe you, aside from my rent. in the back of my mind, i have always hoped that maybe with a little more work on the house, with better grades, with cleaner dishes, that you would be proud. i don't want your help or your pity, i don't want you to pay off my debt, i want you to love me. 21 years trying to earn your love and now i'm tired. you have brought me up the best you could and brought out the worst in me. you taught me what it feels like to be completely alone. i only ever ran from you to see of you would chase after me-- if you would welcome me home when i came home. all i want is to come home and be welcomed back as the prodigal, to have you say that you don't care about the past because now i am home. i want to have a home.
i have fallen again, fallen in love. i am trying to love a girl. she is beautiful and loved and she has a home. but i am terrified of letting her love me because i know i will have to take the chance that she will give me a new heart. last time i had a heart i didn't work out so well. so now i can ride a bike but i am not sure i can love. and everytime i fall the failure takes far more from me than the layer of skin i left on our old driveway. now i know why they call it falling in love, because it is exactly like falling. you have no control and it is completely terrifying, and the whole time you are worried about what might happen when you stop falling, when you hit. the fear of falling doesn't stop anyone, it's the fear of hitting something that you can't get past. i am not sure i can get past myself.
i fell for you the way you fell for me the day i was born. you were god to me, strong, commanding, you had a thick black moustache. i am learning about god, but i half believe that when i get to heaven he will have played football for the navy and been voted orlando's hottest bachelor in the 70's. i hope He is just like you, because, disregarding all the reasons, resentment, and fear, i still love you, and even though i don't know why or see the evidence as i would like, i know we are awfully in love.