letters to inanimate objects

dear 2007,
you win.

dear 2008,
i am going to kick your ass.

Posted at at 4:06 PM on Monday, December 31, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 0 comments   | Filed under:

old film

i finally got around to developing and scanning some film from my favorite little film camera. i carry it around with me all the time just in case so it's always fun to develop the film and see what i took pictures of.

these are from behind my old house... molly wanted some pictures in her ballet dress and i thought it would be interesting to take them someplace that looked fairly decrepit. you can see a bigger version if you follow the link(s)

Posted at at 2:08 PM on Thursday, December 20, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 2 comments   | Filed under: ,

paper cup

all my life i have been sitting here, heart in my throat, eyes open, waiting for the return of innocence and the arrival of love.

and love passed by. i felt its grace by my side and its head on my shoulder. i found that it would not fill me. i am just a little paper cup filled with all the wrong things and burst at the seams, unable to be full of anything.

but i have tasted its flavor and watched in horror as it ran through me, searching for something to take hold of, but finding only tears in the seams.

all my life i will be sitting here, heart in my throat, eyes open, waiting to return to innocence and for the return of love.

Posted at at 12:25 PM on Friday, December 14, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 2 comments   | Filed under:


all my life i have been sitting here, hands shaking, legs pacing, mind spinning-- waiting for the advent of hope and the courage to open my eyes.

i am just a pinwheel. twirling frantically and lopsided, all flashes of color and illusions of motion. always in motion but never arriving, toes dug into the ground.

and i saw hope but it spun me around. comfort came on the wind and filled my paper sails, fleeting, deceptive, turning me upside down. upside down, praying to be righted but not knowing which way to turn with eyes closed.

don't leave me sitting here all my life, mind spinning, legs pacing, hands shaking... waiting for the advent hope and mustering up the courage to open my eyes.

Posted at at 10:54 PM on Thursday, December 13, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 0 comments   | Filed under:


all my life i have been sitting here, pretending that i am strong, keeping my chin up, buckling under the weight of my own uncertainty.

i am light in spite of the crushing uncertainty, it is not enough to anchor me. i am just a discarded receipt tossed around in the wind. a faded slip of paper, telling stories of once being valuable, once being attached to a name. now spent and useless,
littering the ground, i am crumpled and dreaming of the days before i was only a remnant of a transaction between two people.

all my life, sitting here. all my life with my chin up and my heart buckling... pretending.

Posted at at 3:21 PM on Monday, December 10, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 0 comments   | Filed under:

you've heard what they say about loving and losing
but it tastes like whiskey and pills coming back up
i've never felt like less of a man
nothing in my stomach but a fifth
nothing in my blood but expired narcotics
so this is how jesus must feel
when i love him as much as she loves me

Posted at at 11:25 AM on Tuesday, November 27, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 1 comments   | Filed under:

the last time i saw my granddad we were flying.

i hope he had a glass of lakeridge winery sunblush the night he died. i hope he had several glasses and didn't feel alone and scared when his heart failed as he slept on the couch last night. he talked about lakeridge winery like it was the promised land. i never tasted the sunblush but i hear it is very nice. one night when i was at his house after i was old enough to drink (legally), he asked me to choose a wine to drink and i picked the sunblush. he went into the kitchen to pour some for each of us and came back 10 minutes later with two glasses of white wine. i didn't care for it, but i pretended that it was awesome because i could see how much he wanted me to enjoy it. and so we sat in his office, decorated with fragments of computers and rally race trophies and discussed regrets and futures.

my grandad lived his life. sometimes he seemed self-indulgent, sometimes he seemed like one of those men who never grew out of thier fascination with cars and gadgets... i can't deny that he did spend a lot of money on himself. but it wasn't about indulging himself, it was about enjoying things. his enjoyment was all the greater when he could share in it with other people. he truly loved to give things to me. we loved to struggle with out cameras and tripods as we trapsed around central florida in search of the next adventure, not really caring if that was breakfast at nana's, lunch at palace pizza, dinner at the terrace, of flying over florida in an open cockpit bi-plane.

last time i was with him he booked us a 15 minute flight in a reconstructed bi-plane. we put on snoopy caps and aviator goggles, signed our lives away, and climbed in. the pilot was a tall man whose confidence floated back to the passengers as he taxied down the runway and into the sky. we circled lakes and million dollar homes, getting lessons in aerodynamics and perspective as we skimmed over the tiny interstate. we left the world for 15 minutes, we detached oursleves from gas prices and worry. i think that how we felt during that brief stint in the air is how he probably feels now. i don't think he has regrets. my grandad failed many, many times. he struggled with wine and women, with temper, and with pride. sometimes he was not a very good father to my mother or husband to my grandmother. i envy him. he has the only thing i want, he is with jesus. the glimmering gates have swung wide and he is innocent again. his pride and ex-wives are gone, his sin is gone, his pain is gone, but his jesus is still there.

Posted at at 11:46 AM on Monday, November 26, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 1 comments   | Filed under:

father's day card (late)

when i was 8 you nailed my bike to the wall of the utility room. you were angry because you tried to teach me how to ride and i fell. i didn't care at all about being able to ride a two-wheeler. beneath the skinned knees and the skid marks, i cared about being able to learn from you, to do something you wanted me to do. i wasn't able to, i fell and i fell and i fell. fell onto the asphalt and you nailed my little black bicycle to the wall. and with it you crucified my heart. four years later i got a new bike and i learned to ride it the same day, my brother taught me. and even though the little black bike had long been taken down off the wall, my heart was still there. maybe when we moved away from that house it stayed behind, i don't really know. we got a new house but i still didn't have a home, because home is where the heart is. i don't know where home is, i don't know where my heart is, perhaps you still have it.
i think i've lost you. or did you lose me? no one has ever loved me as much as you have loved me. and no one has ever hurt me really, except you, because i love you. no one has broken my heart, made me feel as mean and callous and indebted as you. i don't know what i owe you, aside from my rent. in the back of my mind, i have always hoped that maybe with a little more work on the house, with better grades, with cleaner dishes, that you would be proud. i don't want your help or your pity, i don't want you to pay off my debt, i want you to love me. 21 years trying to earn your love and now i'm tired. you have brought me up the best you could and brought out the worst in me. you taught me what it feels like to be completely alone. i only ever ran from you to see of you would chase after me-- if you would welcome me home when i came home. all i want is to come home and be welcomed back as the prodigal, to have you say that you don't care about the past because now i am home. i want to have a home.
i have fallen again, fallen in love. i am trying to love a girl. she is beautiful and loved and she has a home. but i am terrified of letting her love me because i know i will have to take the chance that she will give me a new heart. last time i had a heart i didn't work out so well. so now i can ride a bike but i am not sure i can love. and everytime i fall the failure takes far more from me than the layer of skin i left on our old driveway. now i know why they call it falling in love, because it is exactly like falling. you have no control and it is completely terrifying, and the whole time you are worried about what might happen when you stop falling, when you hit. the fear of falling doesn't stop anyone, it's the fear of hitting something that you can't get past. i am not sure i can get past myself.
i fell for you the way you fell for me the day i was born. you were god to me, strong, commanding, you had a thick black moustache. i am learning about god, but i half believe that when i get to heaven he will have played football for the navy and been voted orlando's hottest bachelor in the 70's. i hope He is just like you, because, disregarding all the reasons, resentment, and fear, i still love you, and even though i don't know why or see the evidence as i would like, i know we are awfully in love.

Posted at at 5:25 PM on Sunday, November 25, 2007 by Posted by hunter | 1 comments   | Filed under: