dear 2007,
you win.
--hunter

dear 2008,
i am going to kick your ass.
--hunter

all my life i have been sitting here, heart in my throat, eyes open, waiting for the return of innocence and the arrival of love.

and love passed by. i felt its grace by my side and its head on my shoulder. i found that it would not fill me. i am just a little paper cup filled with all the wrong things and burst at the seams, unable to be full of anything.

but i have tasted its flavor and watched in horror as it ran through me, searching for something to take hold of, but finding only tears in the seams.

all my life i will be sitting here, heart in my throat, eyes open, waiting to return to innocence and for the return of love.

all my life i have been sitting here, hands shaking, legs pacing, mind spinning-- waiting for the advent of hope and the courage to open my eyes.

i am just a pinwheel. twirling frantically and lopsided, all flashes of color and illusions of motion. always in motion but never arriving, toes dug into the ground.

and i saw hope but it spun me around. comfort came on the wind and filled my paper sails, fleeting, deceptive, turning me upside down. upside down, praying to be righted but not knowing which way to turn with eyes closed.


don't leave me sitting here all my life, mind spinning, legs pacing, hands shaking... waiting for the advent hope and mustering up the courage to open my eyes.

all my life i have been sitting here, pretending that i am strong, keeping my chin up, buckling under the weight of my own uncertainty.

i am light in spite of the crushing uncertainty, it is not enough to anchor me. i am just a discarded receipt tossed around in the wind. a faded slip of paper, telling stories of once being valuable, once being attached to a name. now spent and useless,
littering the ground, i am crumpled and dreaming of the days before i was only a remnant of a transaction between two people.

all my life, sitting here. all my life with my chin up and my heart buckling... pretending.